The Missed Call

Okay, God, it’s just me and you now, finally…oh, and my blackberry, and of course, I’m sitting here typing on my laptop computer with the Internet very close at hand. And, you know, if the Internet is accessible, so is email and FaceBook and the ever-present, Solitaire.

But, I’m here, God, totally focused on you.

Hold on a second, I just got a txt message on my blackberry. LOL! You don’t mind, do you? It’s a client from work. He’s wanting a current price on the deal I offered him a few weeks back, now that he’s almost ready to actually go through with it.

You wouldn’t mind helping me out on that, would you? I really need that sale, and after all, I am talking to you right now at the exact same time I’m talking to him. That must be some sort of divine sign, right? Anyway, if you wouldn’t mind helping him choose to use me and my company over any of my competitors, that would be greatly appreciated.

So, where was I? Oh yeah, just me and you, God. Okay, so I’ve been really contemplating what you want from me in life, and I’ve set out several times today to pray to you. Well, actually, I started praying a few times today as you know and for some reason, I’ve just stopped, like I’ve been blocked by something or for some reason. I can’t really explain it…

Wait, I’m getting another txt message…this time it’s a friend of mine. He just wants to know what I’m up to. Should I tell him I’m trying to talk to God? That would be weird, wouldn’t it? I don’t even know if he’s a Christian. I know he doesn’t go to church, and we’ve only had tangential spiritual discussions in the past. I don’t know, I guess I’ll just take a moment to respond. I’ll make up something. Maybe I’ll tell him I’m reading a book or something.

There, done!! He’s none the wiser.

Anyway, back to me and my life. So, God , I’ve really been trying to talk to you all day, and for some reason, I just feel blocked. Why do I feel this? It’s like I start talking to you, get out a few words, maybe the “Dear God” or “Dear Heavenly Father” or whatever it is I say that particular time, then I say something like, “I’m really feeling tired” or “I need your help” or “I’m really struggling here” and then it just stops. I can’t go on. Or, something happens that gets in the way, like an email, or phone call, or txt message, or a song comes on the radio, or something. JUST SOMETHING!! ANYTHING!!

Ugh, hold on, I’m getting a phone call. Yes, God, I know this is absurd. But, it’s no joke. I’m really getting a phone call. Let me see who it is. Oh, it’s my wife. God, if it was anybody else, I’d ignore it, especially since I’m in the middle of talking to you. You understand, don’t you?

Okay, I’m back. She hasn’t been feeling great lately, as you know, possibly battling Lupus, although we aren’t sure. I guess you probably know for sure, right? Could you let me in on that little secret, so we don’t have to wait a month for the next blood test? Oh, and while you’re at it, would you mind just healing her? Anyway, she’s trying to change her diet as a result to be much more naturally inclined – you know, veggies, fruits, nuts, seeds, etc. It’s a great start in the right direction. Well, she wanted to know if I would check to see if they sold raw sunflower seeds at this organic grocery down near where I work. And, of course, then we discussed the arrangement of picking up Andrew, our son, from summer camp. So, see, it was an important phone call from the most important person in my life. You don’t mind, do you? I’m still talking to you, and I’m back now, fully focused.

Oh, and by the way, we are both going to bible study tonight at our church. I’m going to pick Andrew up, get him some dinner, and then head back to church for my men’s study, and she’s going to go to her women’s study. Doesn’t this make up at all for all these little interruptions?
We’re both on the right track, right?

Hold on, my blackberry is vibrating. It’s an email. One second.
SPAM!!! God, get this…this is the subject line of this email: LOAN OFFICER MAKES SHAMELESS BRIBE.

I’m a loan officer, God. You know this, right? Well, my business has flat-out stunk lately. I need some help here!! I need some deals, some home-buyers, some loans!! I need something. Please, God, I’m begging you. And, I haven’t stooped to ridiculous SPAM in order to drum up business. Surely, I deserve a few good deals over this guy, right?

Hold on, someone is approaching me. I’ll be right back.

Wireless internet. WI-FI. This guy wanted to know how I got on the Internet, how to access the wireless at this location. I guess he couldn’t tell that I was talking to God. He apparently couldn’t discern by my closed eyes, solemn look, furrowed brow, steady breathing, and oh, my very fast typing that I was in deep communion with my God, my Creator, my Heavenly Father. How rude!!

Of course, I helped him. Wouldn’t you have wanted me to? Didn’t Jesus heal on the Sabbath? Surely this couldn’t have been that much different.

Okay, so where was I? Oh yeah, we were discussing the apparent block I am feeling in my communication with you. Lord, I need some guidance here, some wisdom, some assistance. I want to be able to talk to you fully, all the time, without hindrance, without fear, without shame. I know you love me unconditionally. I know your mercy and grace are sufficient for all of my failings, and I know when you look at me, you only see your wonderful creation. You only see a saint!!

I know I am no longer a sinner. I know your Son paid the price for me a long, long time ago, and all this guilt, shame, and fear that I feel is only a lie, and I know that it is what is keeping me from being truly open, honest, and frank with you. I know this, and yet, for some reason, I keep getting hung up on lies.

I know it’s as simple as reading your Word and seeing who I am from your eyes and ridding myself of all these destructive thoughts and images about myself.

Sure, so I screw up from time to time. No, make that ALL THE TIME.

Christ has already taken care of that. It’s okay. You love me anyway. You love me despite the times I don’t give Tracy the attention and love she deserves. You love me despite the times I’m a rotten father. You love me despite the times I choose myself over you.

How you do this, I have no clue. In fact, I can’t really even fathom it as possible, yet intellectually, I know it is. How do you love someone like me?

How, God? I’m a failure, I’m a loser, I’m a sinner.

How, God?

How?

I don’t deserve you, and I don’t deserve your love.

God, how?

God, I need an answer. I want an answer. Your answer will change everything.

How? How can you love someone like me?

I’m waiting God. I’ll wait as long as you want me to wait. But, please tell me.

God, my blackberry is vibrating. I’m not going to look at it. I’m waiting on you instead. I’m focusing on you. Just you.

Vibrating still.

What is it, God? How? How can you love a complete failure like me?

God, I’m ignoring this call. This one time, God, I’m ignoring it. I need you, God. I need an answer.

I missed the call, God. It’s just me and you. I let it go, because I need you, I so desperately need you, God.

So, I’m just sitting here, God. And, you know what? I don’t have the answer as to how. But, I feel good knowing I let the call go. I didn’t have to answer that call at that particular moment, nor really any call at any particular moment. I was talking to you. I was waiting on you. I was listening for you. And, that is way more important than any phone call, or txt, or any distraction.
How you are able to love me isn’t really important? I don’t have to understand the how. I just need to know that you do. I just need to trust your love as true.

And, God, I do.
1 John 4:8